I’ve been having the strangest feelings of writers’ block lately. I’ve started and discarded six or seven blog posts since Tuesday. I think it’s because I don’t know anyone reading this yet. I’m standing in a corner of the internet, and shouting my words into the ether. If the words are funny or relevant or interesting, then strangers will come read them. Maybe the strangers will turn into friends. Maybe they won’t. This is the first journal or blog I’m writing expressly for the purpose of making friends. All my previous blogs were being written TO my friends, who had already proved their desirability and friendship. I was telling people I knew what was going on in my life. Now, I’m talking to perfect strangers and the bar is higher. I’m feeling the pressure of performing. What if someone I respect and admire reads this, thinks I’m a weenie, and wanders off, a first impression formed in concrete?
Oh, hello anxiety. Welcome back. I’d missed you.
I don’t know who will find me funny or relevant or interesting. Midwestern moms? Twilight tweens? (Please God no.), or worst of all, Twilight Moms? (Twilight Moms are terrifying. If I was Robert Pattison or Taylor Lautner I would be seriously investing in some large meat shields.)
They even have their own website. www.twilightmoms.com. Fourteen year old girls? They just want to cuddle and stare bashfully from afar. Those forty year old women want to do bad things. Very bad things. They will WRECK you. The fervor of a teenage girl’s love coupled with a 40-year old’s sexual peak? We’re talking handcuffs and broken furniture and safe words, and things that are only legal in Thailand and Bangladesh.
(Hee hee. Bang-ladesh. Best country name ever.)
It occurs to me that perhaps I should not call down the wrath of the Twilight Moms, as I do not have the spare change to purchase muscle-bound taser-toting meat shields.
So forget I said anything. I’m totally for whatever Team you’re for. And if you’re reading this, could you leave me a comment telling me who you are? It’ll make me feel much better. Unless you’re a Twilight Mom. In which case it’ll fill me with cold terror.
P.S. If you’re a recovering Twilightaholic, congratulations. The road to recovery from temporary insanity can be a difficult and trying one, but I am here for you. I recommend a healthy dose of books with strong female heroines, and well-written sexy romances based on healthy relationships. Tell your local librarian, and they’ll be glad to recommend some things. Or just go to http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/ , if you’re not ready to admit your problems in public yet.