Friday, August 8, 2014

The Three Week Plan for Going to the Movies...

Recently a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I stared blankly at her, and she said, "It's not that hard a question."

Oh yes. Yes it is. Let me explain.


"Want to go to a movie?"
"Sure. Let me see if Husbosaurus is working and wants to go."


Movies must be discussed by both spouses for a sufficient time to determine whether both people want to see it badly enough to make it the monthly movie date.  (We go once a month because once you have kids, you have no money. We can afford it once a month.)  In the event of there being two different movies both parties want to see, negotiations which may or may not include fisticuffs, whining, bribery, or sexual favors will commence. Once negotiations are concluded, usually with one person throwing up their hands and yelling, "FINE! We'll go see _____ if you want to see it so badly!", then the planning stages begin.

Planning Stage 1:  (At least three weeks away from movie release date.)

A) Pick a date. This will be the first available day that the husband is not working, and the wife is not already pre-committed to another activity.  You have five available days a month for this.

B) Check the date with the babysitter.

C) When the first babysitter isn't available, check with the second baby sitter.

In the event that both babysitters are unavailable, go back to step A. Repeat until a single day appears to be compatible with all schedules.

Planning Stage 2:  (One week out from chosen date.)

A) Check supplies of diapers, wipes, baby food, toddler kibble, butt paste, and other miscellaneous items required to keep children alive and acceptably clean for three hours.

B) If supplies are low, go to store specifically to obtain said items.

C) Make sure said supplies are carefully stocked in the respective changing tables / cupboards.

D) Confirm again with all parties that this date is still good.

Planning Stage 3: (Three days out from chosen date.)

A) Monitor carefully at all times for any sign of illness, up to and including the use of the phrases, "Mommy, I don't feel good."  "My tummy hurts." "My toe hurts."  "I want to cuddle."  "Mommy, pick me up."  "WAAAAAAHHHH"
"Mommy, I want to cuddle." = "I want to puke all down your back."
Twenty minutes later. Do not trust the sad pathetic limp thing or the happy jumping on the couch thing. 

B) If children spike a fever, start Tylenol regimen and put the babysitter on standby.  If any puke, diarrhea, or major mood instability appears, cancel the movie date and go back to Stage 1. If you have a two-year old, major mood instability must meet the "purple face" criteria.

Planning Stage 4:  (One day out from movie date.)

A) Children still healthy? Good. Check that there are clean clothes available for when they inevitably blow poop up to their necks to demonstrate their colon health to the babysitter. Double check supplies of wipes, food, diapers, bottles, and toys.

B) Make a milk bottle. Moo.

C) Spend four hours cleaning up so the babysitter doesn't report you to Children's Services because her shoes are stuck to the floor. Clean up again after the toddler drops her bowl of cereal all over the floor you just mopped.

D) Call the babysitter to double confirm they're still willing to babysit your spawn. Try not to mention the cereal incident.

Planning Stage 5: (MOVIE DAY)

A) Screw with children's schedules to try and arrange nap time to fall during the three hour block. Succeed only in irritating children.

B) Feed children so they can demonstrate Poop-Bomb for the babysitter.

C) Deprive children of favorite toys so they'll play with them extra-long for the baby sitter.

D) Clean again, because apparently yogurt for breakfast means "Mommy wants to see about painting the wall Blueberry-Banana. Try to smear evenly on the furniture as well so I can see if it coordinates."

E) Take a shower and get dressed at the speed of light. Save thirty seconds of hot water for your spouse so they can luxuriate while you chase the baby in the tank around the house to try and change its diaper.

You'll never take me alive!
Ramming speed! Your ankles are forfeit!

F) Spend the last two minutes worrying that the babysitter is going to be hit by a truck on the way over.

G) The babysitter arrives. Run. RUN YOU FOOL.

H) Enjoy movie. Try not to twitch every time someone's phone buzzes.


  1. Well documented.

  2. Ah, memories! Early parenthood= fog of war. I remember these things, being in the trenches but I'm not sure how I got from yogurt Jackson Pollack to "why are you wearing my perfume?" *massive eye roll* dissolves into *giggles* Ten is the new 14 and 5 is the new 10. And all of it spins like the speed of light. Hope you get to the movies with hubby soon!